15 days until my due date. And I find I am a mess of emotions. Impatient, insecure, frustrated, nervous, excited... Usually I have no fear of going places all alone or driving long distances by myself. These last few days I have felt very nervous driving half an hour to the doctor's office or the grocery store.
I ran (waddled) into the Walmart after my doctor visit yesterday afternoon to buy milk and toothpaste and stock up on some food for the freezer and felt totally overwhelmed by the size of the store and the amount of people in every aisle. I was also feeling a little down because I was hoping that the midwife could tell me if I was going to have the baby sooner than my due date but didn't have any definite answers to give me. I just wanted to get home and see my husband. But when I got home I found out he had to work late.
So I tried to find solace and a little peace in the outdoors. I brought Jip outside with me and a basket for picking green beans. Despite having a hard time bending over, I picked a row of green beans and took my time to meditate over the nice cool breeze, the feeling of soil and grass under my feet, and the act of harvesting food that I could eat for dinner and freeze for winter. I found some broccoli that was ready and inspected the summer squash. I squished a few squash bugs and checked out the green tomatoes. I gave the chickens some left-over vegetable scraps and gathered eight eggs. And it made me feel better.
Not wanting to go inside yet, I took a blanket off the clothesline that had been in the sun all day and wrapped myself up in one of the adirondack chairs by the sheep pasture with two books about canning. I was able to text back and forth with my parents for a while which also made me feel better. I think part of the anxiety I am feeling right now is that my mom and dad and sister are at our cabin on Madeline Island on Lake Superior right now and we are separated by a 13 hour drive, a 20 minute ferry ride, and very bad cell phone reception. You can usually get one measly bar of service if you stand in the right spot at the end of the cabin's drive but otherwise, you have to drive 10 miles into town in order to get better reception. So if I go into labor in the next 5 days, it may be a while until we can reach my parents, and then they are limited to the ferry schedule which stops running at midnight, and then a very long drive before they can get here.
I have my bag packed for the hospital and the baby's diaper bag and carseat are already in my car. The nursery is ready and I think we have everything we will need. The bassinet has been set up next to my bed for weeks now. I've got food in my freezer and my co-workers have started planning their schedules to cover for my maternity leave. Now it is just a waiting game. And I am feeling restless. I don't want to be at work anymore because I am uncomfortable and want to be at home and I am tired of telling every single person that comes to the library when my due date is, how much longer I have, how I am feeling, etc. But I know that if I took off from work early that I would be restless at home as well. I have been avoiding the nursery because I can only fold baby clothes so many times and it is not going to make him get here any faster. And I only have 6 weeks of leave, so I don't want to take off early and take up time off from when he does arrive. So I'm just waiting and sticking close to home. And nesting.